I AM SHAUN GANNON

2012-01-28T04:16:00.000-05:00

list of invented foods to date:

- nacho burger
- artisanal bagel bites
- pizza scraps
- cheese ball soup
- dehydrated fruit salad

2012-01-17T14:58:00.000-05:00

housefire has published a story i wrote, they published it to their website, their website is hidden in this phrase

2012-01-16T14:28:00.004-05:00

here's a video of new stuff

from PINKY PROMISE ME THIS

2012-01-14T03:54:00.000-05:00

i recorded this tonight because i am literally, actually, verily in love with ana carrete.

career decision

2012-01-13T12:16:00.002-05:00

considering splitting my persona into two shaun gannons; would arbitarily decide which one wrote/said/did which thing; if asked about the 'wrong' thing i would reply "oh, that was the other shaun"; would double-submit everywhere i submitted and feign ignorance every time; would perform at readings twice in a row; was going to say "would interview myself" but i essentially do that all the time anyway; if anyone ever made the "never in the same room at the same time" joke i would reply "he and i have agreed that that joke isn't funny"; would kill myself

2012-01-09T18:30:00.000-05:00

here is a video where i ramble for 17 minutes while driving to indiana from maryland for thanksgiving. i don't know if it's interesting or worthwhile but here it is. i have a few more i can post if people actually like this. hopefully you do

thank you for using at&t

2012-01-05T00:51:00.001-05:00

i am confined to a hotel room until my phone has finished charging. my phone is broken and will never finish charging. apparently i am home.

frances dinger has made a very good post on her blog about shit talkers in literature both old and current. one thing i would like to add is that sometimes shit talking can be taken to heart in a positive way where it drives those who have been shit-talked to improve their work. i noticed that things were published that i really loved by people involved very shortly after hazel cummings posted her ebook and gave shitty replies to (nearly) everyone who responded. that is great. if that was the response every time someone was an asshole, we would live in a utopia.

let's check the hockey standings as of right now.

the capitals beat the flames last night. that is only a teeny bit surprising, since the flames are crappy, but the capitals are mediocre and are great at blowing opportunities because they don't really work as a team.

there is a blackhawks game tonight. hopefully i am awake to watch it. they are doing well this season. this pleases me. they are my favorite team. i look forward to the 21st when they go against the predators and my friend and i will yell at each other all night.

the oilers are doing terribly, which is fine by me, because i don't like them, except for khabi, because he 100% looks like an insane person. he is the hockey player i would like to meet the least because i'd be afraid that he would go all frank booth on me, especially since i am currently banging the lady he's infatuated with.

what else can i tell you about.

sam pink's advice column on formspring is badass pimp shit. i wish i had the money to pay him to do that for a living. i also wish i could get paid to answer formspring questions for a living. i like being questioned. it reminds me of being a child but i can't be hit for giving petulant answers when i feel the urge to do so.

just kidding i was never hit for being a smart-aleck. i was hit for other reasons.

who owns p.f. chang's. please answer in the comments.

i think i'm going to start my own mfa program. i will hype the fuck out of it in whatever awp's bigass magazine is and all those other places and say all these famous brosephs and hosephs are teaching there and accept every student who applies and tell them they'll have funding then when they show up to my sequestered little school in the mountains they will get this lecture:

welcome to my mfa program. it is actually a school dedicated to augury. there are no professors. there is no funding. there is no food. you must stare at the birds until you hear god. if one of you mother fuckers writes so much as one single line of a poem i will throw you off this cliff. get to work and hail hydra.

and then i'll go to jail for fibbin'

CRIXMAS 2011

2011-12-24T21:34:00.005-05:00

WHAT'S UP YOU MOTHER FUCKING PIECES OF PUKE

TODAY
IS
CHRISTMAS
EVE

THAT MEANS IT'S CHRISTMAS BLOG POST TIME

WHAT AM I GONNA GET FOR CHRISTMAS
WELL I ALREADY GOT A BITCHIN LAPTOP
I GOT IT EARLY SO I COULD USE IT AT/FOR WORK
THAT OWNS

I KNOW I GOT SOME BOOZE FROM MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND
I SAW THE BOOZE-BOTTLE-SHAPED CAN WRAPPED UP AND SAID "THAT'S BOOZE"
AND MY SISTER SAID "NO IT ISN'T"
AND I SAID "YES IT IS"
AND SHE SAID "DAMMIT"
SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

I GET TO GET FUCKED UP ON CHRISTMAS
FOR FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND GUESS WHAT I'M DOING THAT RIGHT NOW TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GET
FUCKING
JACKED
UP
FOR
CRIXMAS!!!!!!

WE'RE ALL GONNA OPEN SOME PRESENTS AND THANK OUR MOMS AND DADS AND GRANDMAS AND GRANDPAS AND AUNTS AND UNCLES AND BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND COUSINS AND SONS AND DAUGHTERS AND GRANDSONS AND GRANDDAUGHTERS AND NIECES AND NEPHEWS AND FRIENDS AND COWORKERS AND MOTHERFUCKING STRAYNJUHS FOR ALL OUR BADASS PRESENTS AND GUESS WHAT WE'RE GONNA THANK THOSE VERY SAME MOTHERFUCKERS FOR THE EXACT SAME REASON

BECAUSE WE TRADIN' GIFTS LIKE MOTHER FUCKIN WHOA UP HERE IN AMERICA

WE ALL GOT MAD DOUGH THAT WE CAN BLOW ON GENEROSITY FOR EACH OTHER

WE ALL FAHOO DORAYING ALL DAY LONG BECAUSE LIFE IS 100 PERCENT ABSOLUTELY PERFECT IN EVERY ASPECT LIKE A FLAWLESS DIAMOND THE SIZE OF THE UNIVERSE

NOTHING IS WRONG

CONTINUE LIVING

SANTA DECREES THIS

I'M SO FUCKING BOOSTED ON THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT I COULD FEED THE WORLD ON MY ENERGY

DO THE ENERGY VAMPIRES KNOW IT'S CHRISTMASTIME AT ALL

FUCK ALL YALL WHO THINK YOU'RE WITTY FOR POINTING OUT THE IMPERIALISM IN THAT SONG

THAT
SONG
FUCKING
OWNS
YOR
NOT
FUNNY

"I'VE MURDERED I'LL DO IT AGAIN"

2011-12-21T23:25:00.000-05:00

this is my favorite thing that has happened in hockey so far this year.

=======0

2011-12-21T22:14:00.001-05:00

PROFESSIONAL GAMER

for Sam Pink

Sometimes when I’m out in public I play this game called Suddenly Become Terrified.

First you suck the disease from your gums. Then you see how briefly you can make eye contact with everyone you pass.

You win by only using the screwdriver you clench in your pocket when absolutely necessary.

Game over comes after the screwdriver is planted in an eye socket. There are no credits. There is no new game plus.

I think I’m level 31. I’m not sure what that means.

I know I’m better at some people at this game but I’m afraid that I might be worse than others.

My goal is to break one million points.

Sometimes I LARP as a paranoid schizophrenic.

I’ll imagine that all the strangers standing around me at a crosswalk are going to turn and beat the life out of me.

The cop across the street will look the other way.

I try to come up with both a viable exit strategy as well as a plan to cause the most harm to everyone around me.

I only play this when I forget my screwdriver.

Disembowel yourself on top of a skyscraper, tie your intestines around an antenna, and dive off the roof. That is how you win the suicide competition. Call me Coach.

2011-12-16T12:15:00.001-05:00

does anyone want to go get something to eat

i am so g.d. important

2011-12-12T08:03:00.004-05:00

i'm researching a paper on the power of enjambment and using william carlos williams poems as examples. i deserve one hundred thousand dollars for this essay but i'm giving it to my professor for free. people in my class are even going to get to hear me talk about my essay tomorrow and they won't even have to pay admission. i'm going to be saying things such as "Writing a poem and focusing on enjambment puts the poet in a different frame of mind than when focusing on other techniques. When writing a poem, the poet is aware of the techniques being used, and this controls how he or she shapes the information being presented, but enjambment is one of the techniques (or the primary technique) that also controls the reader" and I won't make a god damn dime off of it. if this world were just in any way i would be handed money after this presentation. you would paypal me an appropriate amount having just read that one snippet. i think thirdy dollers would be fair.

this is not a picture of the jerry springer show like i thought it was. it's a guy giving a lecture on william carlos williams. i bet he got paid more for it than i am. jesus christ what is with this world

in other news i am announcing my availability for standing in your closet while you have sex with someone and the other person doesn't know i'm there and neither do you.

187 ride or die

funny things

2011-12-07T05:15:00.003-05:00

i pay more attention to comedy than i do poetry. here is a collection of some comedy videos/series i have found funny that are good

My Mans - Pilot

Horrible People

Boy Friends

Good Neighbor and individual ppl's videos

okay enjoy these objects. i'll probably link some podcasts later. if you have any suggestions for comedy i welcome them

2011-12-04T06:15:00.003-05:00

i turned on youtube's transcribe audio for the I AM SHAUN GANNON mock turtle reading. here are some lines youtube came up with, again proving the internet is a better writer than i am

arkansas CNN and i'm a full muesli
exhilarating black
you're white
really hard

violence and death
and i think you were in my seat

i would have to ask why i was finally holloman

i am so i'm getting and the following fees made me cry brilliant sci fi

things won't work

board review by the year hummingbirds or the still mountains workers' jobs and
that's a lot of heads october when your mother told you a dog

longoria small lives on a daily and the courts have ruled but he is too high for poetry readings

godaddy
on sunday

i decided to end

interesting have to live birthdays and sonya
and i'm ready is wrong
finance on janet and they seem a lot of them live in montana

itunes shot down and resistance there is a series of efforts through cubans

alhambra high and subject
and i mean everything i've said

in sundays i've got a little less with white homesteaders

miami
sunday
insert male co-ordinator

sorry calls for a closer to be sitting around

meredith favorite family the harsh

exchange painful misunderstandings

even so i'm getting at
maybe everything blog

and the time has come for you to see is that ok

a series of on a lot of here's some of these

ireland sunday
and then the next time i see my call
idols shoot him dead industries
and i will never reveal one weak point

seemed you while solely because i know that you are not interested
and so on and i miss you and i thought it is not on the internet

good evening to arrive here is a lesson
even though i will not survive

guidance on DNA: mary poppins doctor brenda
parkinson gavin who do you know
they are still very odd

and so on

what is your name

fine and so i'm here

2011-12-02T17:50:00.002-05:00

punch punch punch punch punch punch punch punch
cpunc cuncp ncuhpn chcuhn cnnpup nunuhn cppunc
cncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncncn

2011-11-29T20:38:00.002-05:00

that feeling you get when you buy a soda from a vending machine and it gives you something other than what you picked but after you start drinking it you realize you're pleased

everyone shove stuff up your butts

2011-11-27T03:59:00.001-05:00

i have a poem on metazen

an inverted haiku

2011-11-25T15:05:00.005-05:00

nbdffbjkfhsdvjsdhgfoeihdfsivhgfkehoivewlkfhsdvoisdhfewjkltrhewguhdsvjksdfnbv,mxcvhuwehtwejrgfvhdsghwoiuhtsdhvgdsjhgiufhdfjbgkirhtgsdouihfg

this keyboard feels good to press

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

2011-11-22T14:55:00.004-05:00

i'm going to drive from maryland to indiana soon

i'm going to bring a wheel and a half of camembert cheese with me and some crackers for when i get hungry because i need to stop eating so much fast food

still totally hitting up a steak n shake though

today i realized it seems 'cooler' to just post shit at places than to do it then run to your blog or facebook and say 'i just posted a poem in the comments section of somesuch site im edgy >B)' but then i thought the same thing applies to getting shit published and telling people in your blog or facebook then how that's an extension of talking to people ever

here's a picture of one of my professors as batman

this is my gift unto you in case i get in a 254400000 car pileup on my way home when every vehicle in the country converges upon me

go jump in a fucking pit

you know what would be funny

2011-11-09T21:51:00.004-05:00

every building in america has a television in it. the television is wired directly into the power lines. it has no power button. every channel shows sitcoms but the laugh tracks are replaced with the sounds of people dying. if you destroy a television, it is replaced within 24 hours. no one has ever seen who replaces them. everyone works in a television manufacturing plant. if any employee intentionally tampers with the production of a television, they are 'promoted' to 'tv critic.' a 'tv critic' is thrown into a giant dome-shaped room walled with televisions showing sitcoms where the laugh tracks are replaced with the sounds of people dying. water slowly drips from the center of the dome. the 'tv critic' remains until death by starvation, or dehydration if they don't drink the dome water.

all the news anchors in the country have killed themselves. all the commercials that are left are for products no longer produced, unless the commercial is for a television. someone somewhere is developing a television projector that works on the sky, like OMNIMAX, but for the world.

2011-10-11T04:27:00.002-04:00

mix salsa sour cream and sliced black olives for an easy delicious dip the whole family will love

2011-10-08T18:35:00.004-04:00

im on the lptop with the broken key so you wont see ny s in this post

i thought bout blogging while tking relly bd shit tody nd thought it pproprite

my mom is mking pst for dinner tonight

the blckhwks re plying either rel soon or re lredy plying, i should get home nd wtch

im hungover

i sw jmes domin lst night in chicgo he ws hilrious

im in the lphbet issue of plin wrp's mgzine

spoiler my letter is H

im lso going to be in pop seril 3 with ton of bdss people

oky goodbye

2011-10-02T16:01:00.002-04:00

let's have an experiment. let's see if the avocados i bought last night, which were right on the edge of ripe, are ready to be turned into guacamole. i will bet no, but it's a pretty close call.

okay here i go.

no they are not ready. i hope they're ready tomorrow because i bought them and forgot i'm going back to indiana for 5 days on wednesday and by the time i get back the guacamole will be bad. i'm bad at planning my purchases. this is what i get for eating things other than frozen/canned/boxed food. FUCK LIFE

queen

2011-09-25T10:40:00.001-04:00

i have this weird twitch in my right eyelid. it's been happening for the past i dunno week or so maybe more. i'm not sure if it's visible but it's annoying. do i have a brain tumor y/n

an open letter to sinead o'connor in response to her advertisement for a sexual partner

2011-09-17T19:27:00.004-04:00

Hello Sinead. My name is Shaun Gannon. I would like to have sex with you. I have seen your list of requirements and I fill very few of your non-negotiable demands, but I would still like to present you with the option of myself in case you decide to completely change your mind.

I am 24 years old and live in Maryland, USA. I am not sterile, and I am not stubbly or hairy (although I am also not 'waxed or buffed,' either), although you have stated you love 'beard-rash,' and if you are willing to place razor burn in that category, then perhaps we can meet in the middle here. I am currently employed as an English lecturer at an American university, but if you were to relocate me to Ireland, I would no longer be employed. I would be more than happy to find employment once arriving there, though.

You have asked that your partner bring you Fry's chocolate ice cream at least once a week, and I have no idea what that is, but I could try to find some. You also have demanded 'No Nigels' in your applicant pool, and, again, I have no idea what a Nigel is.

This concludes the list of all possible conflicts I have with your demands. The 'no general hair faffery' rule currently conflicts with whatever weird paste shit I put in my hair, but it is a) not noticeable b) does not prevent anyone from running their fingers through my hair c) can be eliminated altogether with a different hairstyle. I am willing to get a haircut for you, Sinead.

I am single, funny, eccentric, and interested in & capable of sex at least once a day. My sexual 'style' matches your requests, although I'm not sure what kind of funny you're looking for in your sexual relations, as there are many different kinds of humor. Slapstick sex is not the same as ironic sex.

I am not a homophobe or a 'right-winger' or an accountant or a stamp collector and I lack nipple piercings and 'Knob-cheese.' I have no addictions besides cigarettes and caffeine, and I have no jealous psycho exes who are still within the realm of contact.

Since I am already disqualified if your demands are truly non-negotiable, here is some more information that may influence you to change your mind. I am free of all sexually transmitted diseases, and while this wasn't a requirement on your advertisement, you had stated your aversion to genital crabs, which is one of the many STDs I lack.

I am also very talented at kissing, or 'making out,' or 'snogging,' or whatever Irish equivalent there is for these terms. I take pride in my ability to reciprocate with the correct amount of tongue and pressure while also gently leading the encounter in an escalating manner. I am also skilled at providing guidance to those who are severely deficient in this area of human contact in a way that is gentle, flirtatious, and intimate and is in no way brusque, rude, or demanding. I believe in improving any sort of physical contact between partners so that both, not just myself, may continue to benefit from their relationship.

I can provide answers to any questions you may have, so feel free to ask. I pray that you will overlook the numerous disqualifications I bear and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Take care and have sex with me,
Shaun Gannon

2011-09-06T02:48:00.002-04:00

i am putting this here for posterity/to remind myself it exists

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

2011-09-05T15:18:00.002-04:00

new short thing at Let People Poems. it is for Jordan k.N. because he used one of my #poetrybyemilydickinson movie reviews in a remix, and anybody who does that gets a free poem by me 4 them 2 have 4 ever.

2011-09-02T01:29:00.002-04:00

16oz thinly shredded cabbage (if from a store-bought bag, remove the larger pieces of carrot and cabbage)
3 gerkin pickles, finely grated
3/4c mayonnaise
1/2c cider vinegar
1 1/2 tsp brown sugar, finely broken up OR dried
1 1/2 tsp white sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp celery salt
1/2 tsp dill

self-review

2011-09-01T17:28:00.002-04:00

Hi. ani smith asked dj berndt to ask people with pangur ban party releases to review their own releases. i have done this. it is on we who are about to die, a site i like a whole lot. i lost my wallet

2011-08-22T01:58:00.001-04:00

oh hi

late post re: interview

2011-07-02T19:00:00.004-04:00

In case you didn't see it, ani smith interviewed me at We Who Are About to Die regarding my twitter account and how i use it. it's part of a series where she interviewed a bunch of people who are cooler/funnier/more famous than me about twitter, including gene morgan, xTx, drew kalbach, and my OG bro dan bailey. thank you 1 ton for asking me to do that ani, it was fun.

HUMAN CONTACT INTERVIEW: Tyler Gobble

2011-07-01T17:13:00.005-04:00

Congratulations we have reached the end of the human contact interview series (for now). this interview is with Tyler Gobble and is on the subject of ______-fives. thank you for spending time on these. they are fun things to do and i hope they are fun things to read/watch.

if you were to make a pie chart in your head regarding the amount of fives that you give, what percentage would be high fives, what percentage would be low fives, and would there be any other categories or even just a 'misc other' category (if you wanted to make this a pie chart in real life that is also acceptable)

I think first I gotta figure out the definitions of high fives vs. low fives vs. others. High fives I'm gonna say are those shoulder-high, single-arm deals where the elbow is in its natural state of being a lever. A low five then is one that is more of a mid-range thing, waist-high, with the hand almost cupped like I am wanting some cash or to touch a butt. The misc. then would be like jump fives (maybe even with a little chest bump thrown in), the swooping lowlow five, and I guess even the fist bump (aka high five 2011). Okay okay okay.

Percentages in a pie chart: I'm gonna say high fives is like 65%. I do most of my fiving on the go, so we don't have anytime to swoop down or deal with people thinking I'm trying to touch their toosh. 15% goes to the midrange/low fives, where me and the fivebuddy are comfortable and on the same page knowing HEYMANTHISISJUSTAFIVESLICENOWEIRDSTUFF. The final 20% is reserved for some wicked sweet misc like when I feel the shimmy inside and do a fancy knee bend to GET LOW or the half fistbump/highfive where confusion reigns.

does a chest bump come before or after the high five

Usually before. It's like wuzz we didn't get the friendfury out so lets five it out. I know it's crazy, a chest bump that doesn't fully comfort the friendfury, but it happens. I know some weak bumpers. But sometimes, yes sometimes, it comes during, which is mind-blowing.

have we ever high fived

I imagine back in the day. Maybe, you were drunk and you might have read a poem at that martini bar and I was like dudeyeah then BOOM highfive. Oh there was that time you ate a crapload of fries at a bar and I am sure that got me all stoked I LOVE FRIES and if a skinny dude like you can eat that much fries then wooyeah that was cool.

when you are asked for a five, which is usu. implicated with the raised hand, as people rarely verbally request them nowadays, what emotional response do you feel when you realize someone wants to five with you, and how does that feeling compare to other requested forms of contact such as a hug or handshake

The response: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWYEAH

Comparison: Highfive is more AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWYEAH than handshake, fistbump, fake hug, and sex because of its sincere, emotional intense physical commitment. Highfive is less AWWWWWWWWWWWYEAH than bear hug (the only way to go really), most forms of kissing including heavydutymakingout, and headbutting because it's all in then.

how do you feel the fist bump compares to a high or low five

It's an obvious evolution and like with all evolution we gotta deal with it. I mean it was only a matter of time before the hand refused to open. I see it as a combo of our wussyness, where we are all angry and wanna punch things but are too afraid those things will punch back, and our scaredycatness of opening up. I'm not saying that's right, but saying that's what's happening.

the five is a rare form of human contact that has existed for quite some time but is only delivered during a positive experience (for example, consider the rarity of a high five at a funeral) - why do you think that is

Referring back to question 5, it's gotta do with openness. Like a funeral we all are balled up in our awkwardcreep feeling or boohoo mourning that to open up like that is unthought of. I read an article in some super science magazine that was about the hinges on space ships, how the open rate is 100% on the moon, but how they are harder than allgetout to open when they crash into the ocean. Landing on the moon must be a good experience and duh the ocean is a crappy place for a spaceship, so I guess high fives are like that.

why do you think the low five has been phased out

We got these guts now (THANKS DRIVE THRU WINDOWS) and to lowfive is gross and the gut gets in the way and stuff. Or it's been deemed a societal hazard, meaning too many people missing hands and poking each other in the thighs or WORSE, meaning people disguising the hand as a lowfive mechanism before BOOM butt grab, meaning there are probably signs in all the middle schools and roller rinks. Or the kids might just be doing it in private.

Thank you Tyler for your thoughtful responses to my long-winded questions on rather silly things. i hope wonderful things come your way for doing this interview. i hope someone jams a ton of twenties into your mailbox. i hope a princess's limo breaks down outside your house one night when it's raining and she needs a place to stay and you give it to her and then you end up marrying her then her mom and dad die and you become a king. i hope you get emailed some good coupons.

i don't know what i'm doing and i like it that way

2011-06-20T22:15:00.005-04:00

Minutes
by Susie Anderson, translated by Jacob Steinberg, lazily re-translated by Shaun Gannon

the world is exactly 11:30 pm
at this minute, i work at the world

it occurs to me that the world is hungry,
then i remember that i am, per usual, similar
and that, as the average person, i am unable to fix the world

my love has been quick lately, as i anticipate your rejection
so i write
sitting

with my laptop
and my friend
Laura

my friend and you excitedly
talk about your memories and your atheism
smoking

new tofu tastes silly and rich
i do not terminate new food
it has the cost of $3.60

i leave a miserable but interesting tip of one dollar

HUMAN CONTACT INTERVIEW: M. Kitchell

2011-06-17T08:33:00.002-04:00

The fourth installment of the human contact interview series is with one mr. M. Kitchell and it is regarding eye contact. this was filmed moments after the third installment. if you watch this, you'll have loads of fun, but i think you'll find that you just might learn something. thank you mike for doing this interview. next week i will post the last in the series before a hiatus of an undetermined length (i am running out of obvious but non-sexual forms of human contact).

HUMAN CONTACT INTERVIEW: Steve Roggenbuck

2011-06-17T08:28:00.005-04:00

The third installment of the human contact interview series is with Steve Roggenbuck. i got drunk at Ear Eater and asked steve questions about hugs. thank you very much steve for taking the time to do this interview. i still pronounce your last name wrong all the time although now i correct myself. the video described is clearly above this text. you'd have to be a real idiot to have not figured that out. jeez louise

2011-06-06T19:35:00.001-04:00

the next HCI will be delayed until i can get my driver in the mail and my video capturing hardware to work

HUMAN CONTACT INTERVIEW: Ana C.

2011-05-25T21:38:00.007-04:00

Hello and welcome to the second of the human contact interview series. today we will be learning about handshakes and my guest is ana c. i hope you enjoy yourself.

how often do you think you shake hands with people, and do you know the ratio of men vs women getting handshaked

I usually hug and/or kiss people here (it’s a tradition, idk). But I guess that’s totally weird and ‘not okay’ with my American friends, so I guess we just wave at each other, shake hands (the first time we meet), and maybe hug the following times. But not always, and I’m not sure why. But I’ll never be like, ‘Why are you trying to hug me, bro?’ I’m always willing. The other day a girl was dressed like a penguin and she asked if I wanted a hug and she was too cute so I hugged her.

Oh, I just remembered something. In church, we have to shake hands with strangers, so I guess I shake hands with about 6-8 people per week. I’m not sure about ‘men vs women.’ But yeah, maybe I shake more women ;)

what is your opinion of your own handshake - is it good, merely acceptable, poor, too firm, etc

Other things > Kisses/Hugs > Handshakes.
I think it depends on who I’m shaking hands with, if it’s the first time we shake hands, etc.
If I shake hands with a professor or potential boss, I try to give a good/confident shake.
If I shake hands with someone I’m never going to see again, I might just say hi and not shake their hand.
If I shake hands with someone attractive, I think I might blush or give like a ‘lazy’ handshake. Like I barely touch their hand or something :/

when you think of a handshake, what comes to mind, either personal or in general

Handshakes are awkward most of the time. For some reason. Sometimes I just wanna shake hands and the person might go for the hug and my hand gets in between our bodies and it’s weird. Sometimes I go for the hug and the person just wants to shake hands. Sometimes I go for the kiss, and the person just wants to shake hands. Sometimes I go for the handshake and the person goes for the kiss and my hand gets in between our bodies and I always worry I might touch the person ‘inappropriately.’ I’m sure I’ve touched boobs accidentally.

did you ever have a secret handshake with a friend or relative as a youth

I think I tried, but I was bad at it. I always forgot the handshake. I had a secret code. Three of us thought we were ‘Harriet the spy’ and thought we were detectives (in school). We talked shit about classmates we didn’t like just like Harriet. This happened in 4th grade. All the other girls thought we were losers.

if you could pick anyone in the world to shake hands with, who would it be

The internet. But if I want to be more realistic, Macaulay Culkin.

if you went on a date with someone and it was your first date and it went alright but not amazing, and the other person wanted to shake your hand, what would you think of this

Probably: ‘Wow, dude, you are shyer than me. This isn’t going to work.’ I don’t think I would ‘force him’ to give me the hug, but, I mean, I expect a hug. If the person wanted to shake hands, I would think ‘This person doesn’t like me/thinks I’m unattractive/Seriously?! A handshake? Ugh.’

Just read the question again and got the ‘alright vs. amazing’ part. Um, depends on what ‘alright’ means. Alright seems like not horrible but like whatever/there was no chemistry. I think I wouldn’t want to hug the person if that’s the case. But I would still feel shitty and think, ‘This person thinks I’m fugly/boring.’ :/

do you have any tips for the readers on what to do or not to do when giving a handshake

Please give clues. Or just straight up tell the person:

I’m going to shake your hand now
Wanna shake hands? (via dude from Rushmore)
Can I hug/kiss you? I’m going to do it

And if you’re going to shake hands, don’t try to show off your muscles (flex), and give a super tight/strong handshake, and hurt my hand. Just maybe smile and look at me while we shake hands. Make it less awkward by saying whatever you’re thinking about (if no one’s talking). Say something like, ‘Whoa is this awkward? I hope not ;)’ lol jk maybe.

have you ever tried shaking hands with yourself - if not, try it now and report the results here

Most awkward handshake ever. Nah, I’ve had worse :(

Thank you ana for your enlightening answers and also for letting me know about the availability of VHS tapes in mexico. next time we will have a special double interview for you! and it will be a VIDEO! FUCK YES

now a personal interview via myspace quiz

2011-05-16T11:34:00.003-04:00

75 Questions You've Probably Never...

1. First thing you wash in the shower? DEATH
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? DEATH
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? DEATH
4.Do you plan outfits? DEATH
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? DEATH
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? DEATH
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m? DEATH
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? DEATH
9. Did you meet anybody new today? DEATH
10. What are you craving right now? DEATH
11. Do you floss? DEATH
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? DEATH
13. When was the last time you talked on aim? DEATH
14. Are you emotional? DEATH
15. Would you dance to the taco song? DEATH
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000? DEATH
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? DEATH
18. Do you like your hair? DEATH
19. Do you like yourself? DEATH
20. Have you ever met a celebrity? DEATH
21. Do you like cottage cheese? DEATH
22. What are you listening to right now? DEATH
23. How many countries have you visited? DEATH
24. Are your parents strict? DEATH
25. Would you go sky diving? DEATH
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? DEATH
27. Would you throw potatoes at him? DEATH
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? DEATH
29. Have you ever been in a castle? DEATH
30. Do you rent movies often? DEATH
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class? DEATH
32. Have you made a prank phone call? DEATH
33. Do you own a gun? DEATH
34. Can you count backwards from 74? DEATH
35. Who are you going to be with tonight? DEATH
36. Brown or white eggs? DEATH
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? DEATH
38. Ever been on a train? DEATH
39. Ever been in love? DEATH
40. Do you have a cell-phone? DEATH
41. Are you too forgiving? DEATH
42. Do you use chap stick? DEATH
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow? DEATH
44. Can you use chop sticks? DEATH
45. Ever have cream puffs? DEATH
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? DEATH
47. What was the last question you asked? DEATH
48. What was the last CD you bought? DEATH
49. Boys or girls? DEATH
50. What is your bus number for school? DEATH
51. Is your hair curly? DEATH
52. Last time you cried? DEATH
53. Ever walked into a wall? DEATH
54. Do looks matter? DEATH
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun? DEATH
56. Have you ever slapped someone? DEATH
57. Favorite time of the year? DEATH
58. Favorite color? DEATH
59. Are you sarcastic? DEATH
60. Do you have any tattoos? DEATH
61. The last person you held hands with? DEATH
62. Do you sleep with the TV on? DEATH
63. Where was your default picture taken at? DEATH
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? DEATH
65. Do you like your life right now? DEATH
66. How often do you talk on the phone? DEATH
67. What is your favorite animal? DEATH
68. What was the most recent thing you bought? DEATH
69. Do you have good vision? DEATH
70. Can you hula hoop? DEATH
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater? DEATH
72. Do you have a job? DEATH
73. Can you handle the truth? DEATH
74. What are you wearing? DEATH
75. Have you ever crawled through a window? DEATH

HUMAN CONTACT INTERVIEW: Crispin Best

2011-05-16T05:25:00.005-04:00

This interview is the first in a series where i ask writers about various forms of human contact. here i talk to Crispin Best about kissing.

first off, do you enjoy kissing - if so, how much? is it something you passionately pursue, or could you take or leave it, or something in between

kissing seems pretty good, i think, but i don't kiss much because it means i can't check facebook and stuff without seeming like a fricken dingus. also people generally don't seem to want to kiss me all that much, so seems safer not to force those people to kiss me.

what is, in your opinion, the best place to kiss

butthole or mouth

what type of kiss or "move" performed during a kiss do you not enjoy

if someone... i guess if someone like punched me, or like a 'purple nurple' if that's a thing

is there any place you would not kiss

corpse's peen

is there a song that comes to mind when you think of/hear the word "kissing"

like... sixpence none the richer, man, come on

do you have a favorite Kiss of the Silver Screen

i like... um, like when jessica rabbit blows that kiss and flies along and hits [maybe bob hoskins or roger rabbit, i'm not sure] on the cheek. maybe that was... someone else completely... damn

what celebrity would you kiss, given the opportunity

um i thought my publicist told you i would only answer questions about fruit

would you kiss me, even if i didn't have the money to pay you

i dunno man. seems like i've never kissed a guy before, shamefully enough, so i don't like our chances.

I would like to thank Crispin for participating in this valuable exchange. next time, i will interview indie lit darling Ana C on another form of human contact. thanks for watching and tune in next time

portrait of bebe zeva by shaun gannon (mspaint, 2011)

2011-05-15T05:21:00.001-04:00

2011-05-07T02:13:00.003-04:00

i think my bedroom smells. i did my laundry today. there was a lot of it. i think the smell's gotten worse. maybe something changed and i don't like the smell of my dryer sheets anymore and it's bothering me. i know i don't like the smell of febreze anymore either. but what if i think something smells and i just assume its the dryer sheets and it turns out something really does smell in here. i need to vacuum or something.

one of my teeth hurts like i have a cavity.

what do governors do.

i want to eat some form of meat right now. i've been eating chips and candy all day. i wish there was a white castle around here.

i wonder if i'll ever see a blinding flash of light and a cross in the sky and change my name to phaun.

preview

2011-05-05T01:26:00.003-04:00

At ME IRL, DJ and i read selections from the chapbook we're working on titled WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING. here is another preview of the chapbook i printed off while he was here. click to enlorge. kill people burn shit fuck school

poem

2011-05-01T19:00:00.005-04:00

I have a poem in the most recent issue of Red Lightbulbs titled "24 / F / Single"

dan bailey owns

2011-04-27T10:15:00.000-04:00

Here is a video of me and dan at work. mark clements on soundtrack

this blog post

2011-04-15T10:43:00.003-04:00

I published a poem on all write then titled "this poem." i think it's really badass. you should vote for it so it can beat all other poems. go fight win

Poem Written While Waiting For My iPod to Charge So I Can Take the Metro to My Friend's House and Play Dynasty Warriors Together

2011-04-09T18:16:00.004-04:00

I've been meaning to write a kid's book series
the first is titled
Robo-boy: Deep in the Scarlet Forest
it's about a little boy robot who is exiled
by King Robot for something he didn't do
and must go on a quest to be allowed back home

the actual end-goal of the quest will not be
revealed, that way the series can continue
until I feel like ending it

but anyway

this first one has him going through a forest
of giant red mushrooms and before he leaves
Robo-dad warns him about the Wizard of the Woods
who is horrible apparently but then Robo-boy meets him
and he's actually a nice old fellow
who can do simple magic but nothing big anymore

and it turns out he used to be a bad guy -
not "evil"
just bad -
but retired and stays away from people due to guilt

he guides Robo-boy through the mushroom woods
and keeps the wolves at bay

these wolves will eat anything but mushrooms
and the forest is almost entirely mushrooms
so that's why they're so starved

so the wizard takes Robo-boy through the woods
and as they're about to reach the exit
the alpha wolf shows up with his main henchwolves
and they're about to seriously fuck up the wizard
because he tries so hard to conjure his old stuff
but he doesn't have it anymore
because he's good

and then Robo-boy just topples a giant fucking mushroom
onto the wolfpack because he has super robot strength
and he saves the wizard who is grateful
and feels that if there are people willing to save him
maybe he can be forgiven after all
and he tells Robo-boy the way through the sandy valley
and decides to rejoin society
and that's the end of the first book

now tell me
what fuckin kid wouldn't read that story

seriously
it owns

the postess with the mostess

2011-03-29T05:04:00.006-04:00

So after doing this interview with DJ & Paul for /radioactive moat regarding Let People Poems (spoilers i co-created Let People Poems), i had a 14-hour car drive from chicago to maryland to make. that gave me a lot of time to think about a lot of stuff, which included LPP. i thought of a running contest i'd like to do on LPP, where each month you can write a poem about a certain thing (like say the theme for April is "flight, or flying") and then when the month is over a winner is picked and they are PayPaled $3.00 USD. i don't know if people would complain about us paying to have content on the site, but it's a contest, you could totally not post stuff re: the theme, also you could only enter once to prevent people from ONLY spamming the site with the theme so they could win three whole dollars and look really pathetic. i think we'll do it

I also thought of the line "I was raised by a ruler and a rolling pin" and the image of a man in an expensive suit slowly riding a penny-farthing down the street, yelling horrible (and usually inapplicable) racial epithets at people, but most of the time i thought "fuck. this drive is the worst"

EDIT: DJ and i talked abt the contest and we decided to do monthly book giveaways instead of 3 dollars

chatting with deejays

2011-03-24T20:57:00.003-04:00

here is a conversation-turned-reference-turned-joke-turned-poem with dj berndt after discussing the possibility of him smoking in his sleep which seems hell of dangerous

INTERNET POETRY

2011-03-19T20:06:00.005-04:00

I also just saw that my submission to INTERNET POETRY was accepted. thanks, steve! I'm making you go there to check out which picture was published but I will post the other 3 pictures that were not in it

website post

2011-03-19T18:03:00.003-04:00

So I got this email in a long list of other writers (most of whom I recognize and think are cool). a website called Let People Poems is doing the lit website thing, but it's apparently self-published, like you ask to get in and then you can post. I don't know why you can't just post as a guest/anonymous but maybe that has to do with blogger. to be frank it sounded cool but I posted a poem there because

a) the title of the place looks like a ghost
b) it feels real good to get solicited
c) I have a whole bunch of these canticles that I wanna get published so shit might as well start somewhere.

So you can read this poem there. hopefully other people post shit there so I don't look like an idiot. maybe YOUUUUU should post something there??????

2011-03-17T02:53:00.001-04:00

redactive mope

2011-03-14T16:33:00.005-04:00

I have a poem in the new issue of radioactive moat, which is here
The rest of the extremely pimp issue is here
It includes an excerpt of Brett Gallagher's Loop Loop Endogenous Nightscape, an ebook I reviewed here
It also includes an excerpt of Feng Sung Chen's upcoming chapbook Ugly Fish, which I am really looking forward to reading
Actually, everyone in the issue has badass stuff that I read and more things by them that I have not read yet that I will read
One final link here

I had a dream that olivia wilde and i hooked up then the next morning i saw on a celebrity blog that she was filing for a divorce

2011-03-13T03:12:00.005-04:00

She was my friend's older sister, it was the first time we'd met, and she had broken up with her boyfriend, so we were talking on the front porch of the half-finished house she and my friend lived at, and we kept getting closer to each other, and then we were lying down right on the threshold of the house, staring into each others' eyes, not saying anything and only smiling and holding each other, and then the water started lapping at our legs because the tide was coming to wash the house away

I AM ON VIDEO

2011-03-09T18:52:00.005-05:00

selections from I AM SHAUN GANNON at Mock Turtle, 03.04.11. it stops being sideways 22 seconds in, sorry, but really it's an achievement it was noticed at all, considering how drunk we were

http://www.tweetmix.me/

2011-03-01T21:39:00.008-05:00

So there's this website tweetmix.me that takes your or any account's twittertweets and mixes them up using a process that is well-made enough to follow at least some hints of grammar and not just be a big mess. here is an example from @breakingnews that i got:

Norway oil spill update: Police say at least one helicopter spraying fire on funeral mourners, journalists - NYT.

as you hopefully can see, this often results in hilarity, and i've received some really good ones, but the main reason i'm posting them here is because tweetmix.me seems like one of those ephemeral humor sites that everyone will forget about very soon, and these are too good to lose, so here, these are from my account. i will preface this by saying it seems to take a lot of them from when i livetweeted the second half of the oscars despite watching the whole thing plus the pre-show. the last one is my favorite

- How can the new yorker have a feeling jesse eisenberg is going to be incredible.

- I'm extremely sure this honda accord commercial song is a pun on 'tunnel snakes rule' and also i like michael caine.

- My heart is going to commit suicide, leaving a note saying FUCKING STOP WITH THE FACEBOOK JOKES.

- Now i have a feeling jesse eisenberg is going to be incredible.

- Lolllllll this favorite oscars song thing. They go from 2 rap songs to the ps3 hack, i wanted to RT it.

- But seriously it's good they got rid of the oven in 14 minutes.

- If you mother fuckers following me ain't following norm macdonald, we're gonna have a feeling jesse eisenberg is going to explode out of my chest.

- Voodoo sex ceremony spawns fatal fire, officials say welp, entirely unsurprising.

I don't know why it has used jesse eisenberg so many times and usually + incredible, considering i have tweeted about him once and it was the facebook joke line, and i didn't call him incredible, because he irritates me. it's fun to run it and have it combine like 4-6 tweets because the grammar/tenses/tones of the phrases/sentences get messed up and it looks like past you is a crazy person. i never looked at twitter as a viable form of Literature before because i don't really care about it that much (if you do, that's really cool, but it's just not for me), but i like the idea of having a computer do your dadaist cut-ups for you. it would be cool to write a decent-length poem and feed it into a virginal twitter account to have it cut up. maybe i'll try that at some point while bored

i don't care how many times you've read the emperor of ice cream, you will never read it enough

2011-02-25T22:38:00.003-05:00

but instead of posting that here, because you can just google that one, i'm going to post this other "uncollected" poem from the Library of America collection. I'm not sure what they consider "uncollected" but I assume it means it was a poem in his journals that is understood to be complete, or a poem that was in a lit mag, but was not collected into a proper book arranged by him. Anyway, when I read this I was like "whaaaaaaaaaat"

What They Call Red Cherry Pie

Meyer is a bum. He eats his pie.
He eats red cherry pie and never says --
He makes no choice of words --

Cherries are ri. . . He would never say that.
He could not. Neither of us could ever say that.
But Meyer is a bum.

He says "That's what I call red cherry pie."
And that's his way. And that's my way as well.
We two share that at least.

What is it that we share? Red cherry pie
When cherries are in season, or, at least
The way we speak of it.

Meyer has my five senses. I have his.
This matters most in things that matter least.
And that's red cherry pie.

2011-02-21T23:08:00.003-05:00

It's What's For Dinner

spinach & feta pizza
crawfish etouffee
black bean burritos
marmalade gazpacho
broiled roadkill (primarily squirrel)
spinach quiche
duck l'orange a la mode
cheeseburgers
pleaseburgers
gross leftover takeout chineseburgers
beef tornadoes
whole, raw truffles
rolled eggs
roiled eggs
royal eggs
royal legs.

a pelican that ate a seagull
america's top chef salad
spinach wafers
what she's having
racist crabs
a pile of dry rice
Robitussin PM
siamese chocolate
angel dust
a nap
spinach quiche again
ham sandwich
sand manwich
bacon bits
a lot of oysters
the thing inside this box.

eight fish
twelve sticks of butter
homemade chili
storebought chili
chili of unknown origin
a pile of dry ice
tolerant crabs
moat eel
chacaroni and meese
nicken chuggets
flowers found on the side of the road
roasted coconuts
naan bread
nun bread
two spinach things
one of everything oh ho ho you're so funny.

hay bb

2011-02-17T22:58:00.004-05:00

- Jeremy Bauer's chapbook The Jackalope Wars is now also an ebook. it was released by Tyler Gobble's Stoked Press. you should check all the aforementioned things out

shit i do

2011-02-11T08:04:00.005-05:00

I've been working on a series of poems where I explore my relationship with god via stupid stories. there's one about a delivery man in a dream and another about calling heaven's customer service line and another about texting god. they seem pretty good and after I edit some of these I will send them away on little carrier birds and see if any of them don't return because they've been taken in by online litmags. I also want to keep writing more of these, I feel I need to dedicate myself to subjects more than I do, I mean Casual Glory was 10 poems and I felt it was exhausted by then. I Am Shaun Gannon is really long and still growing but to be honest that one isn't hard to write because the shit just comes to me, and it's really easy to add to things when they're just lists. that's not to say there hasn't been a lot of editing in it, though. that reminds me, I'm going to be reading that next week at a party with my fellow grad bros. here's to the hopes that they like it and don't just think it is / I am obnoxious as fuck.

I hope I get ryan's book in the mail soon. I wanna see what it looks like and I like seeing my things in print, especially when they are old. if they are old but still decent it makes me feel like I've been doing this for a while and that I've been having fun doing it for a while.

Pride: a long-winded story where I actually end up discussing the topic

2011-02-09T07:25:00.012-05:00

At an off-site reading at AWP in DC, there was a reader whose name I don't remember who had an impressive intro - the only thing I remember is that he teaches at rutgers (it's not Mark Doty, lol) - who read THE WORST STORY I'VE EVER HEARD AT A READING, EVER, IN MY LIFE, EVER, OF ALL TIME. It was this fucking mary sue story about some guy's entire life from childhood to "now", and how he's had a bunch of different careers and been wildly successful at each of them, and how he finally got the girl in the end after becoming rich by 30 and traveling the world and there was even this old guy who was his mentor as a kid and who left the guy his house in his will so he had some fucking rural-ass gloryhome to return to when he needs a quiet place. a bit of information I will bury in this is that he was British because this is relevant later. also I will point out that, while there were quite a few readers in the huge as hell lineup who were bad, they were all in different ways, and none of them even came close to the schmaltzy, hallmark-channel-as-fuck type of story we had here. Usually it was people either being way too serious in boring ways or people who thought they were more clever than they actually were.

So my friends and I sat right up front by the stage at the only table within about 30 feet of the stage because it was the only table that would hold all of us (all their tables are fucking tiny there, and usually they have more out than they did), but it was still a Gob-tier huge mistake because then we had to seem attentive no matter how TERRIBLE the reader was. so we had to sit there and listen to this and at least LOOK like we were paying respectful attention, and both my new friend Mark and I were hoping that this person's reading was either

a) a ruse to lull us into a sense of dull security so he could fuck our faces with a crazy story

b) a more awesome ruse of a performance piece, where he would drop his accent and start reading something real

c) an even more awesome ruse of a performance piece, where he was literally trolling the audience and pretending to be British (or even not, but that still added a lot to the "character") and read some pleasant-ass crap just to fuck with us.

Now, I can still believe in option c, because there was no evidence directly contradicting this, although if I did enough research online, I'd probably find out that this isn't the case, but I tried finding the guy in rutgers' labyrinth of academic sites and came out empty handed. but, the one thing I have, and the reason for this whoooooooole story, is that after the reading, my bros and I were hanging out outside, waiting to go to meet the whole young-people-lit-famous crew at a bar nearby, and this dude was walking around outside. he ambled around for a bit, got on his phone, got off the phone, ambled a little more, and then went back inside or left, I didn't see. and this guy, this fucking guy, he had this look on his face, his fucking face, that was, when you boil it down, proud. he was proud that he was able to read there, and proud of what he had done, and proud of his general situation.

And what's wrong with that?

Any writer should feel proud of their output, to at least some degree. if you play the tortured artist all your life, where you say everything you do is shit and that you strive to reach TRUE beauty and channel the muses who reject you and all this retarded shit, people are going to get sick of all your moaning'n'groaning and not want to hang out with you. so, I think, yes, if you write something that you're going to be putting into the public, you should be proud of it, and if it is accepted by the public, you should be proud of that fact, too.

The issue now is that the story wasn't accepted by the public, in the sense that they didn't specifically ask him to read that piece, and also if they had polled us anonymously at the end of that reading, it would have gone over horribly. it was very obvious from the vibe in the room & the superweak applause afterwards that most people felt as tortured as my friends and I did. if he had read this on the gong show, BWAAAAOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM

(intermission: imagine a variety show called The Inception Show where instead of getting gonged you got BWOHHHHHMMMMMMM'ed)

But how would he know? none of us sure told him that his story was abysmal, and I doubt anyone else did at the bar. shouldn't that be a shame? shouldn't someone tell this guy, "hey, guy, story, not so great, maybe, uh, edit." there is definitely a lot of blame on this guy for producing such an awful story and not recognizing its worthlessness (yes, worthlessness, there was noooothiiiiing salvageable in this story), but as my professor-who-owns Martha Nell Smith said just last night, there is an audience required for there to be a text. if we are looking at this story as failure-as-text, then we, the audience, failed as well.

When I came out of that reading, I didn't feel proud that I had survived his story, that I deserved a t-shirt. I felt like crap. I bitched about the experience to my friends, because commiserating and complaining are the two things I do best, and I was upset when I saw how smug this guy looked after the reading (I also saw him the next day at the AWP hotel and he had the same look on his face, so take that as you will). and "smug" might not have been the right word there, or at least it's the most pessimistic possible word to choose there. the most positive way to describe it would be to say he looked like he loved (his) life, and hey, that's what his whole mother fucking story was about, so it wouldn't be surprising if that was the case. but either way, there was also pride involved, for sure.

Who the fuck knows, maybe this guy is normally a very good/interesting writer and his shit fell flat that night. god knows I've been there before. and like I said, maybe he was just fucking with us. what I'm sure of is that I'm not going to be reading any more of his stuff, will actively avoid it if I ever learn his name, and many others will be doing the same, and that, my bros and sisses, is something he should NOT be proud of.

(fyi, GISing 'british dude' gives very unsatisfactory results, as does 'fancy british man.' so instead, you got kittens)

Page Review of Loop Loop Endogenous Nightscape by Brett Gallagher & Elizabeth Arnold

2011-02-08T01:24:00.005-05:00

click to enlarge

link to book

this is important

2011-02-06T17:07:00.001-05:00

DEATHMARCH content!

2011-02-01T01:28:00.008-05:00

Okay so the DEATHMARCH bros (quick recap: dan bailey, jeremy bauer, joe mchugh, ryan rader, and myself met at BSU, dan started a DEATHMARCH poetry reading where we walked around muncie yelling poems, we recorded a cd, we did a cd release reading featuring a sledgehammer and a blowtorch, we still own) have been working on a novella via Thumbscribes, currently titled "I'll Be the Roundabout." The first chapter is complete. Feel free to follow along with the work in progress. When we decide it's finished, I'd like to edit it into a single story, fixing tense shifts and typos and removing superfluous material. I'm not sure if I'd want to keep the sections separated with our names next to each one. I've been going back and forth on that. Oh well. I will review Brett Gallagher's e-chapbook Loop Loop Endogenous Nightscape very soon.

a cool intangible object

2011-01-30T23:58:00.002-05:00

Andrew James Weatherhead has a short play up at New Wave Vomit. it is Falling Sickness as hell. it owns. more links !!!

on tao lin

2011-01-26T17:54:00.014-05:00

On HTMLGiant yesterday, there was a post by Jimmy Chen that is a parody of lin's tweet style but in the guise of being written by a personified HTMLGiant. after it is a fake story on elimae by the same personified website, and HTMLG loves elimae, so I know it was a 'playful jest' type parody and not a spiteful one. but this isn't the reason I bring it up; in the comments, poster BT stated "we only need one tao lin..." and in response, Jereme Dean, who is always a funny asshole on the site, replied "Do we really need even 'one'?" which I thought was extremely funny.

Another thing to show, as Exhibit B: Gregory Sherl's chapbook I Have Touched You, which I am planning to purchase and read, is now released. here is a blurb from the chapbook's store page:

“If Tao Lin put the heart back into his writing, exchanged the bored neutrality for a sense of hope or lust or longing, we would have Gregory Sherl’s I Have Touched You. As with Lin, there are the musical references, the mapping of movements, and a diary of food and drink and drug ingestion, but instead of trapping them inside a forever monotonous plain, Sherl elongates them into beauty and rifle-fires them from a language-musket, something at once wonderfully matured and yet able to open gaping holes in our chests.” — J. A. Tyler, author of The Zoo, A Going

And now the purpose of the post: man, tao lin sure does seem to be getting some hate nowadays. as I have said in the past and will say again now because it's still true, I haven't read any of his stuff. I tried watching a video of him at a reading but stopped because it was boring, but i don't think it's hard for a reading to be boring, especially when it's an excerpt from a novel.

Is this a continuation of the backlash against everything that people have deemed to be 'hipster' (which applies to almost every single thing nowadays because people can't agree on what a hipster is)? is it a little deeper, where people are now past the novelty (as in newness) of lin, and now see his work as something we don't actually see as important/necessary? are people just flat-out sick of his words, his voice, his face, his brand? I can definitely understand being sick of his brand, as it HAS been co-opted by the likes of hipsterrunoff, a website I hate even more than stormfront (at least those racists are entertaining in an 'oh look, an insane person, boy he sure has some awful beliefs, good thing he doesn't matter at all or have any power whatsoever in society' way), but is this now affecting even the people who are fans of such a place (HRO, not stormfront)? could most of this hate just be coming from Sellout Syndrome or Success Syndrome, where he is to be hated now that he is famous?

I have 0 answers. the one thing this has done is it has made me more interested than ever in finding out whether his work is worth reading. lin seems polarizing enough that looking for reviews of his work (all of which are not that old, mind you) would be as worthless as checking out contemporary reviews of Lynch and Herzog movies, when they were too new for people to know if they were looking at anything worthwhile or not. this comparison is apt because both of them have made incredible movies as well as complete garbage, so I'm not saying I am expecting lin to be nothing but mindblowing. but overall, this is an example where any publicity is good publicity - all this shit-talk has made me want to check out one of his books.

k

2011-01-24T12:53:00.005-05:00

1) I have a poem up at Everyday Genius.

2) Box Frog is coming along swimmingly, considering how I have to learn how to draw literally everything.

3) I have an interview for a summer job in a few hours. boy it sure would be nice to get that

4) Dan Bailey will be here in 9 days. Possibly other people as well.

5) have a fantastic day

i have heard this song hundreds of times and never knew how incredible the lyrics were

2011-01-22T13:52:00.007-05:00

If you had no name
If you had no history
If you had no books
If you had no family

If it were only you
Naked on the grass
Who would you be then?
This is what he asked
And I said I wasn't really sure
But I would probably be
Cold

And now I'm freezing
Freezing

"Freezing," Philip Glass and Suzanne Vega

i am drawing nice things

2011-01-18T03:20:00.005-05:00

Here is the first installment of some drawings I am calling the box frog series. we begin in media res, or as the native americans called it, 'maize.'

peter founda dead dude

2011-01-13T18:52:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night that I murdered a guy while he was playing the piano because I was on some sort of hallucinogenic and thought he was evil, but it turned out he was just a dorky guy with a creepy smile. I was sentenced to return to high school, which my sister and her friend were also reattending despite them being 21-22. The friend was pregnant and I threatened to kick her face because she was irritating me. Apparently I'm a fucking terrible person in my dreams whoops why did I bother with that qualifying clause

When I woke up I heard dogs barking, more dogs barking than I thought we had in the neighborhood, and they wouldn't stop barking, and I could hear a helicopter above all that, and I started to get the feeling like I was sensing something terrible about to happen, and I knew that logic went against that sort of catastrophe happening but I couldn't get the feeling to go away so I went back to sleep. These feelings happen every so often but they are different from when I panic about my "life situation" because in that case I shove the anxiety off onto my self-loathing and tell myself welp this is what you get for choosing to feed the collegiate machine / never meet new people / be self-loathing (that one is sort of ouroboric but hey whatever it takes to make it through the day). I wish I was more dedicated to becoming an alcoholic but I can't really afford that right now

i have a nosebleed :(

2011-01-13T03:22:00.002-05:00

poetry is for chumps

a dream

2011-01-08T02:07:00.004-05:00

I was forced into a terrorist plot by a group of fellow college students. They assumed because I worked in the computer labs that I had unrestricted access to campus resources and desirable technical skills when all I had was a shared minifridge of fifty-cent candy bars and the ability to unjam printers. I would have explained this to them if they had not told me they had guns. I never actually learned their agenda, but Evan, their leader, constantly preached about the fair treatment of commuting students, so maybe it had to do with parking tickets, or permit costs, or something. All I remember is that they wanted me to plant a bomb in the server room. And that they said they had guns. Lucas, the tall one with dreadlocks, explained that I had twenty-four hours to plant the device before it exploded, and that they had people watching me, so I shouldn't try anything stupid. I emailed my boss and asked where the server room was, but she never got back to me, so when I got off work, I went back to my apartment. I sat on my couch all night, staring at the backpack with the bomb inside, considering my options and deciding whether they counted as "anything stupid". I never went to sleep.

The next morning, I realized that Evan and his people probably didn't even know what a server room was, so I left the backpack in a storage closet at the end of an unused hallway, told the first cop I saw about the bomb, and clung to him for the rest of the day. Apparently Evan had prematurely sent a letter to the student newspaper claiming the work of the server bomb and had already been taken in for questioning. The cops forgot to get to the bomb in time. It was apparently so weak that it didn't even blow the door off the closet and only succeeded in setting off the smoke alarm. When I later pointed Evan out in a lineup, he babbled about parking rights as they took him away. When I pointed Lucas out, he only glared at the mirror-window.

2011-01-02T10:25:00.001-05:00

i own

CHRIXMAS

2010-12-25T03:56:00.006-05:00

CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS
CHRISTMAS

CHRISTMAS

MY MOM'S PIECE OF SHIT LAPTOP JUST HIGHLIGHTED AND DELETED ALL MY TEXT BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE

BECAUSE THIS IS THE SEASON FOR LOVE AND CARING AND FORGIVENESS

THE [A] KEY JUST POPPED OFF AND I KEPT TYPING ANYWAY AND SOME METAL THING UNDER THE KEY CUT MY FINGER

I AM TYPING WITH BLOOD

BUT AGAIN I DON'T CARE

BECAUSE CHRISTMAS GETS ME THAT FUCKING PSYCHED

OKAY NOT THAT PSYCHED, I JUST GOT A BAND-AID

AM I DRUNK

OR IS THIS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

THIS BEING THIS BLOG POST

LET'S SAY BOTH AND THEN GO TO BED SO SANTA CAN GIVE US ALL SOME PHAT LEWT

A couple nice things for you

2010-12-17T00:35:00.006-05:00

Here is a blurb you can use at any time for anything you've written. Just fill in the blanks.

"[AUTHOR] has written a really fine book here. S/He worked very hard on it, and I think you'd be happy if you read it, and I know s/he would be too. Maybe you could become friends. If you like this blurb, then maybe we could all be friends. Wouldn't that be great, to become fast friends just over a book? Why don't we give it a try?"

Here is a picture you can look at at any time. It's a dog commenting on the state of the moon.

imma kiss all yall muthafuckas

2010-12-13T00:42:00.012-05:00

Here is a party game for you to play:
Empty a medium-sized bedroom of its furniture. have people form a ring around the walls, tightly packed in. Turn the ceiling fan (which you previously removed 1 fan blade from) on high then shut the door and barricade it from the outside

Fun!

blog looks cooler

2010-12-09T15:01:00.005-05:00

I revised a couple poems in the timeframe of late last night and right now. I have revised a lot of poems in the timeframe of a few weeks and right now. I had a burger at my favorite diner for the third time this week. if you get gravy and melted mozzarella cheese on the fries, they call them hobo fries, and if you request for your fries to come that way, on the receipt it says

HOBO IT!$

which rules. the revisions mostly rule, some I am still unsure of but they are definitely better than they were before. I still have a paper to write for my theory class, but after that I think I might submit some stuff to some places. wouldn't that be fun

here have a picture I drew for you. it's a devil

asploooooom

2010-12-01T21:06:00.005-05:00

Today I had my head exploded by my poetry professor. This has happened before but this time it was about my style of writing and not just a specific poem. Those angsty persona poems I put on here are not really persona poems, I am just an angsty person. When I wrote about a scene it started off angsty as shit because I just needed to get it out, to badmouth the muse, to get at myself. Then, I started actually looking at the scene. I've known that one of my issues is that I take a while to rev up in my poems, but this observation was beyond that. When I look at those poems, I see the same thing over and over, a load of annoying bullshit that I was using as a crutch (a voice I pretended was a persona but was just me being a crabby bitch) then something I can really work with. At first when he showed me what would exist after editing the grandma one, I thought "man that poem DOES own but I want to keep that persona there, make a character you hate but pity." Then I realized that was bullshit, that was dead weight, that was me trying to inject a part of myself into the poems that did not need to be there.

So I'm going to keep writing them the exact same way. Then, later, when I begin my first revisions, I'm going to cut the fuck out of all of that bullshit. I see the extra writing as part of the process, as getting me where I need to be in my brainspace to write what is actually good. Because god damn that grandma poem in there is good.

Other things:

- I read xTx's chapbook He is Talking to the Fat Lady. It was gross. It was gross in a good way. I liked it a lot.

- I bought David Lynch's two newest songs. They're pretty interesting although they're not incredible. Star Eyes and Ghost of Love are much better songs, but they are also very different from the former two, which are more upbeat. Ghost of Love is a really fucking good song you guys

- I bought a new David Bowie poster and a picture magazine of him from 1983 on ebay. I have a problem

a nightmare forest planet in your brain

2010-11-23T02:38:00.002-05:00

dan bailey linked to this on his blog. i watched it in the dark fullscreen in HD with the volume up and now I am fucking ready for bed. this thing fucking ruled.

i heard a remix of sacred city that made me nostalgic

2010-11-20T21:43:00.003-05:00

I read You Hear Ambulance Sounds and Think They Are for You by Sam Pink today. It came in the mail in a plain brown wrapper like a forty or a playboy or a gun. It was an extremely good love poem.

I went to the last grad student reading of the semester last night. It was really good. Maybe I'll read at the next one. If I do I'll probably read stuff from Casual Glory because I still think it's my strongest stuff. Maybe I'll read Running With the Dogs too, if I edit it enough to think it's worthwhile. I need to work on the vernacular of it, right now I think it's too heavy. Maybe I'll have written other good stuff by then, though. The next ones are quite a ways off.

I saw this on Monty Python today and had to put it on youtube

DEATHMARCH pictures

2010-11-16T11:27:00.007-05:00

Jeremy Bauer put a word on a large handful of pictures and improved them. They are pictures of us at the DEATHMARCH cd release. They make me feel good when I look at them so i'm putting them all here. deal w it

fucking lay it out

2010-11-15T21:00:00.008-05:00

I hate how easily people accuse others of posturing/being a poseur/"hipster" (which is quickly meaning nothing) regarding what they read and their opinions on literature. I am going to list as many details about my reading history/preferences as I can think of here so if anyone ever accuses me of that I can point to this with one hand and flip them off with the other. These are not "literary confessionals" to make me look like I'm bragging about how embarassing I was and how I've gotten way cooler (especially since most of these are current), it's basically to partly show how I was influenced as a writer growing up and partly to show people that you can be a young writer and not solely "be in the scene":

☆ In middle school and part of high school I read a fuck ton of Stephen King. I do not think he is a bad writer, but I think he gets lazy pretty often. His output reminds me of Lou Reed: almost alternating between awesome and shit. The first few books of the Dark Tower are incredible, and the last few are still pretty strong. The second-to-last book of his I read, Cell, was infuriating, but Under the Dome, one of his most recent books and the last one I read, was really good and I only have a few gripes with it. It's similar in theme to The Stand but not in structure or characters, and that is a very good thing. I will definitely read his forthcoming book in the Dark Tower series and will always keep an eye out for his other books to see if they have an interesting story.

☆ I also read a lot of Dean Koontz back then. Dean Koontz writes a lot of really bad stuff that is ridiculously similar (helpful dog - precocious child, usually with powers - antagonist is evil for no real reason) but from what I remember, Fear Nothing was a pretty damn good book, and its sequel was okay. I should re-read them sometime to see if that is the case

☆ I love The Phantom Tollbooth, Roald Dahl, and The Westing Game, which are considered kids' books but are definitely great for not-kids as well. Seriously, read The Westing Game.

☆ I think House of Leaves is badass. It's really scary. For all the King I read, I rarely got scared (with a few short stories as exceptions), I read them for the intense action and in the DT's cases also because the world was fascinating. House of Leaves scared the crap out of me throughout multiple reads. I can't get into Only Revolutions, though, it's just too fucking difficult.

☆ I haven't read/don't read as much sci-fi/fantasy as I'd like. I'm interested in "good writing" in those genres (aka not just pulp fiction in sci-fi/fantasy form), like Stanislaw Lem, Tolkien, and Dune proper (god does the series turn to shit fast), but they do seem hard to come across. I finished the Doomsday Book recently, it was fucking sweet. I might have mentioned that here already.

I wish other people would do lists like these just to show their human side (and that Facebook fad doesn't count because it's the first ones off the top of your head, which are rarely the skeletons in the closet, and if those are they're not included BECAUSE ->) but instead a lot of younger writers seem so concerned about their image/"cool factor" that they clam up except to say something flippant/dismissive or attempt to be witty and mean. HTMLGiant is littered with people like this, the only comments I really like are the ones where people give earnest answers to genuine topics/questions (mind you, diatribes usually do not fall under this category, and belong more in the "batshit insane" or "crabby babby throwing a tantrum" categories). Cmon guys I know it's the internet but let's be real fucking people sometimes, okay

I'm going to work on an essay that's due real soon

here's a poem

2010-11-02T04:27:00.004-04:00

Running With the Dogs

I'm watching Spiderman in the den when Frankie asks me if I wanna see something. I say yes so we go in his room and he shuts the door and locks it. He reaches under his bed and pulls out this gun that's just big as hell, it looks like a monster in his skinny hands, and I say Frankie, where the hell'd you get that? He says Mr. Arnold down by 300 South sold it to him cheap, he's gettin rid of all his guns since his beans didn't grow for shit this year. So I say What if Momma finds out, and he says She ain't gonna find out unless you tell her, and you ain't gonna tell her, and I just shake my head, since all that'll happen is Momma'll beat his ass, which never did nothin for nobody anyhow. I say What're you gonna do with it? Frankie stares at it and says Nothin. He just keeps turning over in his hands, and the dirty thing's all beat up but he's lookin at it like it's some silver six-shooter Billy the Kid polished up and handed to him.

I say You ain't goin out with that, are you, and he says I ain't stupid, but he slips it behind his back and tucks it up in his belt, hitches up his jeans and says Okay I gotta go now, get outta my room. I know he don't like me in his room when he don't want me so I go to the door and he says Hey. I look at him and he got this smile like he's the baddest fucker in the county and he says You be good for Momma, and I get scared since he ain't never said that to me before, but I just nod my head, and he says Go on now, and I go outside and play with Annie and Bo, because running in the yard with the dogs always makes me feel better.

headin to the pub wit a bottle of bub

2010-10-25T13:54:00.006-04:00

Spooky Boyfriend #6 is live. My poem Bottoming Out is in it. My friend Tyler's poem Humble Endings is in it. I read the whole issue, I really like it a lot, I'm pleased I'm there and I'm pleased I'm there with those people who are also there. Thanks again to Nate for the publishment.

I'm currently reading Connie Willis's Dooms Day Book. It's a pretty neat sci-fi story about a history student getting sent back to the medieval age by her department who regularly goes through time to accurately document history but this is the first medieval mission AND GUESS WHAT??? IT GOES AWRY!!! WHO KNEW

I've got another poem up my sleeve and when I get one for the other sleeve, I will take off my sweater and send it somewhere for publishiation. I'm going to be Karl Lagerfeld for halloween. shit's gonna own

two quick things

2010-10-12T06:46:00.002-04:00

1) Fixed the dust mite background. whoops
2) that submission I did a while back panned out. You'll get to read it later this month

nothing important

2010-10-11T06:23:00.005-04:00

Listening to Led. Blowing off my homework. I ate flank steak today, as leftovers. My room smells funny now that it's mostly empty. My sister's wedding was Saturday. I slept all day Sunday due to a fantastic hangover. I bought Under the Dome to read on the flight back tonight. If you hate on stephen king then fuck you, he owns sometimes.

I found a folder in my dresser that contains scripts/poems I wrote in middle/high school. Holy fuck. I want to beat the shit out of my past self harder than I ever have. This shit is going straight in the garbage, no, you can't see it, you'll never see it. This is embarrassing-tier bad.

I bought a haircut and some new dice and that book i mentioned up there and mouthwash. These are the memorabilia I bring back with me to maryland. Pretty lame, I know

hhhhhh let's write a stupid story right here so you can have more crap to read

My grandmother loves to give me sweaters. Not just for birthdays and Christmas, I mean all the time. I'd show up with a box of her favorite candy, dropping by to see how she's doing, and she'd putter over to the closet, pick through the hanging clothes, then present me with a polyester, cable-knit barf-fest. They are ALWAYS ugly. And the time she spends looking for the sweaters is inconceivable since they are all mine, either now, or in the future, and some from the past where I would sneak it back into the closet before I'd leave. She doesn't give sweaters to anyone else, and if I don't stop by for a few months due to moving around, she mentally stockpiles the sweaters so that I end up with four or five the next time I visit.

I don't think she's losing it. She hasn't resorted to calling me by other names yet, or forgetting how to drive to get groceries, or anything like that. She just has this thing about giving me really gross sweaters that she buys whenever she goes out. Once I asked her where she buys them, because she doesn't need to spend this much money on clothes I don't need, but she got offended and thought I was going to return the sweater she had just given me, so I don't ask anymore. I don't even think the rest of my family knows she does this, maybe my grandpa did before he died, but now there's nobody to stop her, nobody but me, and I can't tell her no.

My car's trunk is full of sweaters. My closets have a layer of sweaters covering the carpet in them. My garage has at least 15 boxes full of sweaters. I've given them to friends, dropped them off at Goodwill, tossed them to homeless people I've seen on my way to work, I've even thrown a few really hideous ones in the trash. The sweaters are neverending. My life is a constant stream of sweaters. I fear that when my grandmother dies, I'll start buying these sweaters whenever I go out to fool myself into thinking she is still around, still burdening me with these gifts, still worried that I'm not warm enough.

A Short Interview in Which I Grill Myself and Come Away Irritated

2010-10-02T03:13:00.009-04:00

Why do you discuss so many topics in each individual poem? Why so many unrelated images?
It's a form of self-obfuscation.

So you're directly obfuscating your meaning? Why would you ever do that? That is terrible writing.
I do it for the realism.

What does that even mean?
People never say what they really mean, and even if they try, they're unable to actually do it in a way that the listener completely understands their meaning. If someone comes upon a moment of understanding while reading a poem, this is entirely spawned from the reader's mind. That is why people who like poetry like poetry. At times, it makes them feel brilliant.

So your reasoning for people liking poetry is an insult?
If you take it that way.

And you think you can write successful poetry in this manner? By directly insulting your reader?
There are many masochists in the world, and poets make up a large portion of them. Of course, that doesn't always mean they like other people to do the harming. They sometimes think of that as showing weakness. I guess we'll have to see if they let my idea pan out.

ALLEZ CUISINE

2010-09-24T18:47:00.006-04:00

There's a book fest going on this weekend in both DC and Baltimore. Rae Armantrout will be at the DC one, but I'm going to the Baltimore one because I made plans for that one.

I downloaded 172 episodes of Iron Chef to burn to DVDs. This is going to take a while. Right now I am listening to the Backdraft soundtrack, from which Iron Chef got most of its music. The badass opening theme and credits music, a sweeping, epic orchestral piece with drums reminiscent of a military march, are from a song called:

Show Me Your Firetruck

What the fuck, Hans Zimmer? Is that seriously what you name something like this?

I'm reading The Star Diaries by Stanislaw Lem. I loved The Cyberiad when i was 12, and I read part of TSD a long time ago, but I don't even remember it. I got Memoirs of a Space Traveler, the addendum to TSD, as well, and I know I didn't read that, so I am excited. Just have to find the time to actually read this stuff inbetween procrastinating and doing school work.

Here's a poem. Oh man you have no idea how relieved I am that I wrote this

The Things You Saw, in Order

You looked at a knife. Kitchen knife, large, slight serration to the blade. You looked at blackbirds. Out the window, tearing up soggy worms. You looked at your son. Short, blond, with a winning smile. You looked at a dragon. Rust-colored, misshapen, formed out of clay by your son’s hands. You looked at blood. Out of your finger, all over the sliced flank steak. You looked at water. Running from the faucet, running with blood down the drain. You looked at crying. Your son, upset, worried for your life. You looked at his hair, up close, as you embraced him, and at the towel around your hand, keeping the blood away from his body, from his fear.

You looked at your husband. Coming in the back door, coming in with rain. You looked at the ruined dinner, which your husband also saw. You looked at his face as he looked at your hand. Bearing the same smile as your son, your husband ruffled the boy’s hair as he kissed your cheek. You looked at a bandage, wrapped it around your hand, looked at a phone, your husband using it to order Chinese, and looked at your son, reshaping his dropped dragon. Then you looked at happiness.

no i don't want your pity gift certificates

2010-09-19T02:04:00.004-04:00

Contemplating reading Richard Yates. I haven't picked up any Tao Lin yet but keep intending to, keep meaning to touch his stuff, never do, continue going through life without doing that thing, keep thinking about reading Eeeee Eee Eeee, end up reading a different thing or playing a video game or sleeping or drinking or buying groceries or crying or waiting for my bus or touching other stuff instead.

I forgot Hipster Runoff exists. i was happier that way and i can't wait to forget about it again so i can go back to being that little bit happier. i'll repeat here what i said to a friend a few years ago: (HRO frontman) Carles is to hipsters as Tucker Max is to fratbros, and both are equally deplorable.

I'm eating prawn crackers but they're not the normal UFO-looking ones, these look like crinkle fries, and that kinda sucks because I haven't had prawn crackers before, so I don't know how these stack up to the real deal, except I imagine the strong Sea Monkey smell carries over to the other kind.

I'm reading about semiology for a lit theory class instead of reading Doomsday Book by Connie Willis, which my friend let me borrow. Whenever I borrow books I feel bad for not reading them right away, even though I let Dan borrow a book in exchange and I don't care how long it takes for him to read it.

I want to re-read Infinite Jest but holy fuck there is absolutely no way I have enough time for that. I'd have to get an eightball and stay up for 2 weeks so that I have 100% of my non-school time to dedicate to the book. If I tried it now it would take all year. I just love it so much, why can't they just let me slide for a month and blaze through it before getting back to work, this is unfair, i'm dropping out.

Duke Nukem Forever is important to me. This is a thing I must own and experience and discuss with like-minded individuals. This is a fancy way of saying I am going to play the fuck out of that game and blab to everyone I know about it.

I wonder what will be the website that overthrows youtube. I wonder when facebook and twitter will die, and why. I wonder if everyone will just spontaneously, simultaneously eat their phones. I am alone in my room right now and I wonder if I do it, will that be when everyone does it? If I do anything alone, is that a moment when everyone in the world is doing what I'm doing at the same time?

Do you want a poem? TOO BAD

blogspot is totally gonna mess up my line breaks

2010-09-10T21:32:00.004-04:00

I am waiting for a pot of water to boil so I can make mac and cheese. It is scooby doo mac and cheese, which is inferior to pokemon mac and cheese (nostalgia purposes) and spongebob squarepants mac and cheese (the spongebob shape promotes a strength to the noodle and ensures firmness), but scooby doo is still superior to elbow macaroni mac and cheese, which gets mushy way too easily, and I hate that. I also add roughly 1/3 cup of milk to the mix rather than a few tablespoons because I like it to have a cheese sauce rather than be thick cheesiness. Kraft recently came out with a type of mac and cheese, Cheddarsplosion or something similarly stupidly named, where the powder is SUPPOSED to have a large quantity of milk added, but perform a taste test with anybody and they will tell you it is definitely different, and more importantly, inferior to the original mac and cheese formula.

I will be at the Small Press Expo tomorrow and maybe Sunday too, maybe not because I have a lot of stuff to read for the coming week, some of it I won't read because I just can't do Aristotle. I love Plato but Aristotle drives me nuts. Kate Beaton and Jeff Rowland and KC Green and David Malki and Chris Hastings and Meredith Gran and Anthony Clark and Aaron Diaz do not drive me nuts. That is why I prefer to go to SPX.

hup a poem

Can We Ever Explain It

The glimmer and pop of herpetic blood makes my hand shrink from touch.
The inscrutable shape of night, something you can never look at,
tools with my mind and forces image into thought.

I cough up globs of red-striped gross. Your brain feeds upon itself.
We didn’t even fill out paperwork for these procedures.
What do our bodies know, anyway?

We agree to disagree, anatomy and me. I. Doctors
read x-ray tea leaves in the dark and propose
a course like a cruise would take.

We walk through the night instead of sleep.
We offer ourselves to what may pass
and collapse on the sidewalk.

A nurse finds us on her way in,
smokes a cigarette
without fear.

okay

2010-09-03T00:17:00.003-04:00

I live in Maryland now. I moved here for grad school at UMD. I go there. I am in poetry classes. If the gods and my thesis board smile down upon me, I will receive an MFA in poetry. How are classes. I don't know. There's a lot of reading, right from the get-go. I've only done a little bit of it so far but we all know what Sundays are for. I turned in my first poem for workshop an hour late because I had trouble finding a printer to use. I was getting freaked out enough that it was reaching panic attack/rage of the gods level, and if the thing I did last hadn't worked, I was going to walk into the graduate english office and hand 50 dollars to the girl at the desk and ask her to print my copies out for me. That is real, I am not joking, or using hyperbole. I bought a printer today. Thirty bucks. Much better deal, I think.

I submitted that same poem to a website, if it doesn't get in there, I'll probably send it to a couple other places. I like that poem. Dan Bailey gave me the first line because of a thing we were doing. It's much more personal than anything else I've written so far (that didn't end up being garbage). I found a liquor store I like. It's cramped and has a large wine selection. I got an oil change today. My vehicle needs more work but it won't get it because I don't drive often and I don't want to spend the money on it.

Red Dead Redemption is fun but my god I hate the poker in it. I hate poker. I have no idea what to do and don't find it fun and don't think I'd find it fun if I DID know what to do in it. There's another grad student welcoming party tomorrow and that's why I went to the liquor store but since I have to do stuff on campus all day until the party I am going to stash the bottle of wine in my bookbag. Erryday i'm husselin

I guess i'm back

2010-08-06T02:00:00.006-04:00

Hello, reader of this blog. Blog is such a dumb word. That probably contributes to the disdain of blogs that many people hold. Blog isn't even in the standard spell-check dictionary.

I will be living in Maryland in roughly two and a half weeks. I will be attending graduate school the week after that. I am nervous.

I started working on The Estate. A while back, maybe six months or so ago, I had a dream that upon waking I realized was part of a series of related dreams (not really recurring, as many different things happen in each one, but I know they take place in the same town/mansion/winery) I have had for at least a few years. I didn't remember any of the others until that last one. I have not had another since, and because of a) that and b) a lot of the details were fucking stupid, I will be taking great liberties with many parts. What remains: The Estate is named Vintage Vistas, vintage being a pun on the winery/the fact that it's an old place. I will post more about it later, but I have about six pages of notes about the story. It's gonna be a long'n.

Here's some thing I just wrote, first draft and all that. It's probably going nowhere but this fucking place needs some content.
---
Lisa told me she was taking me to dinner tonight. I knew this was "about" something. I assumed it had to do with her moving in with me next month.
At Frankie's, before we even ordered, she told me, "I think you should start seeing other people."
I stared at the basket of bread between us, then asked, "Me? What about you?"
"I plan on seeing nobody."
She pulled a pocket map out of her purse, unfolded it, and laid it flat on the table.
"I am going to bicycle across the country."
She uncapped a pen with her teeth and circled our town and San Diego. "I'm going to try and stick to the side routes. The whole point is to see America. See, I'll take Route 190 out of town-"
"You do realize this map is really small, right? I mean, maybe you're not getting the sense of scale here."
"John, I'm not stupid. This is going to take months, maybe a year if I go slow. That's why we're splitting up. See, 190 meets with 168..."
I stared at the map, my eyes following the tiny lines she sketched, only my eyes following. It wasn't until she reached Harrisburg that my heart began to pound.
"So that's it, then?"
"What? No, I'm not even 400 miles out at this point."
"Lisa. I mean us. You're going to bike across the country, and you're leaving me by showing me a map?"
Lisa slapped the pen to the table. "God, John... if you'd like, I can send you postcards along the way, but I don't want you hanging on like this."
"Look... you don't have to move in with me. You can stay at your place! I can even only stop by whenever you call."
Lisa picked up the pen and slid the cap back with the palm of her hand. "John. I've told you everything I have to say about us. If you're not going to listen to the plan, I think you should leave."
I stared at the map and frowned. "Alright. Fine. Alright," I muttered as I stood. I turned to leave, then whirled around, grabbed a fistful of bread from the basket, and walked out of Frankie's.

Three weeks later, I was walking home from work when I saw Lisa riding her bicycle downtown. I asked her what she was doing here. She simply said, "Practicing," and rode off.
---
bye bye

hai ah toos

2010-05-19T19:10:00.002-04:00

Doing manual labor for three weeks. Nothing but reading in my spare time. Will be back with reviews for each book (or just the lydia davis collection if that's all i can finish, god damn it's huge).

white

2010-05-17T22:39:00.004-04:00

I read Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World & The Elephant Vanishes by Murakami. I am now finishing the collected works of Lydia Davis. I am applying for another assistantship at umd, one that seems vague but would have me either teaching or being a TA. I had to write my Teaching Philosophy. That was kinda hard but it was stuff I already thought/believed so it wasn't too hard.

I watched this short advertisefilm by David Lynch for Dior handbags. It inspired me to write this.

Study of a Night by the Shore

When you meet a beautiful woman at a gathering, when she walks near you, and turns to look you in the eyes, and smiles, you introduce yourself, and she tells you her name, and her blue dress shimmers in the candlelight, and she asks if you would like to take a walk with her, you say yes, you think that you would do anything to be near her, to be with this radiant woman.
When you walk alongside her down the path to the beach, and stand on the veranda, and watch the waves cast themselves upon on the shore, and her hair is a black that draws in the light and turns it into something you can only feel, and she asks you to tell her something about you, you know your past is not beautiful enough for this woman, your life is not beautiful enough for this woman, and you tell her you are only at the gathering because you were brought here, and you stand close together and watch the moon become obscured by glowing clouds.
When she tells you about herself, her voice does not float out into the ocean, but clings to you, climbs into your ears and lingers longer than she speaks, and you feel like a child watching the snow fall into your cupped hands.
When you stroll together back to the gathering, when you see the empty hall through the grand windows, and the band playing for a hushed, empty room, and she says it is time to leave, you know you cannot say anything that would make life into music the way she does, you cannot say anything that is worthy enough for her, you cannot say anything except goodbye.

the lumbering poet is a common sight.

2010-05-06T02:17:00.008-04:00

I finished Poetry! Poetry! Poetry! a couple days ago. I liked it more than his first book which I also liked quite a bit. That means I really liked this book. There are continuing themes/ideas in P!P!P! that, when you just read a few in journals or hear a few at readings, you don't expect to come up when you don't have all the poems in front of you. This is expected with all poetry, but for some reason I didn't expect it with this one, and was pleasantly surprised. Long review short, if you don't like this book I will kick you in the butt.

I don't know what I'm going to read next. I tried a little of Salamun's Woods and Chalices, but I think it might be too lofty/abstract for me right now. It's rare to find a complete sentence. I didn't know I cared this much about complete sentences. I think I'll try another of his books first and see if that helps.

Still waiting to hear back from UMD about assistantships. I applied to one about 3 weeks ago, and last night I applied to two more (really, just one but listed twice). Dang man, they start May 24th, you better let me know soon since I live 10 hours away and don't have a place to live there.

I'm reading at a poetry thing at VGR tomorrow. I guess technically today. Shut up. Instead of reading my own stuff I'm going to read retarded shit I found online, like the blood story and the fly story and the terminator shower story and the m&m duel story and the they need to do way instain mother> story. It's not that I don't care, it's that I care more about reading dumb shit.

I should make a drawing for you now

it's 1971-era Brian Eno in the virtual interactive drama Facade

time to listen to Rise FM some more

sry hun

2010-05-02T20:14:00.010-04:00

It's been a while, hasn't it? As penance, I will confess to you:

๏ I had not read a book for about 3 months
๏ I had written about 3 poems over the same period of time

Not very good. However, I changed that this week by:

๏ quitting my job so I would not kill myself
๏ reading Dreams of a Robot Dancing Bee by James Tate
๏ writing the following:

---

Our Lost and Scattered Remains

When Eric found one of his stepfather's collar stays behind the dryer, he thought of the only time they went sailing and ran the boat onto a sandbar, flipping the ship, and how, later, Eric's mother told him his stepfather felt guilty for yelling at him when struggling to right the collapsed vessel, and how Eric didn't even notice his stepfather lose his temper. He never even raised his voice. Eric began to shake, clutching the stay like a holy symbol warding off the rest of his memories.

---

I worked at ACS since the beginning of February, with five weeks of training before getting on the phones. Yes, that is a ridiculous amount of time for training, yet there were plenty of things they didn't get around to telling us there, including:

๏ the sense of dread you will feel on your way to work, every minute you are on the phones, and on your days off
๏ the absurd system of people-as-gears that translates to no problems being solved because nobody is the problem-solving cog, just a bunch of tiny robots with singular purposes. But remember, at ACS, you are wanted and welcome ^_^
๏ the fact that after our 90-day probationary period was up, we would go from 9.00/hr to minimum wage because there were not enough calls for us to make more than that

and since I am going to the University of Maryland in the fall (or by May 24th if I get an assistantship, which I'm waiting to hear back about), then it was time I said get fucked. I will now post something libelous about my ex-bosses, site general manager Shannon Long and ACS CEO Lynn Blodgett.

Lynn is the one on the left. Do pictures qualify for libel? Or is there a third word in a sort of defamatory trifecta for sound, text, and image?

I'm reading Poetry! Poetry! Poetry! by Pete Davis now

brb

a thing i found

2010-03-15T06:13:00.002-04:00

THIS IS THE STORY OF A DAY WHERE THERE WAS ALL THIS BLOOD. A MAN WAS WALKING AROUND AND BLOOD STARTED COMING OUT OF HIM EVERYWHERE. THERE WAS SO MUCH BLOOD THAT IT FILLED UP AN ELEVATOR. HE WENT TO THE STORE AND THERE WAS JUST BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE. PEOPLE WERE SLIPPING IN IT AND THEY WERE ALL GROSSED OUT. HE TRIED TO GO SWIMMING AND ALL OF THE SHARKS WENT NUTS AND BITTENED EVERYBODY. HE GOT CHASED BY ALL THE VAMPIRES EVER. ONE TIME THE BLOOD GOT A KID AND A DOG. AT THE END OF THE DAY EVERYONE DECIDED THEY WOULD SEND HIM TO SPACE SO THAT HE WOULD STOP GETTING BLOOD EVERY WHERE. THE SCARIEST PART IS THAT THE MAN WAS YOU!!! (OR HE WAS A LADY IF YOU ARE A LADY) AND YOU FORGOT THAT THIS HAPPENED

hay post

2010-03-10T10:55:00.004-05:00

At the Gala Winners reading, I read a short story called "The Immigration & Nationality Act" that is the first persona piece i've written in a long time, and the only "good" one i've written ever. i can't get the video to embed here because the option doesn't exist on the page, so here is a link to an audio recording of it. the video was just a picture of the statue of liberty and a passport in front of an american flag, but the last two videos i posted have really distorted/fucked up video on them, but i think it looks cool, so it stays.

I got a job taking customer service calls for verizon

I didn't go to sleep last night and will be up until at least midnight

ugh

I'm going to go to a record store now

ESL Learnin' short stories

2010-02-23T23:29:00.004-05:00

http://www.eslfast.com/

These stories fucking own.

187. Kill Those Flies (2)

The flies were less active late at night, but they often woke Hazel up when they walked on her face while she was sleeping. “Do something about these flies!” she yelled at Mel one day. “When you go to sleep tonight, have a new dream! Dream that God told you to close the front door and throw out all this rotting meat!”

Mel drove back to Wal-Mart and bought two dozen cans of insect spray. When he came home, he sprayed the whole house. The house stank. Many flies died, covering the floor and carpet. The kids got sick from the fumes. But the next day, more flies moved in. “I can’t take this anymore!” Hazel yelled at Mel. “You have a choice—me, or the flies.”

“We’ll move into the back yard,” he said.

“That’s your solution? We have a perfectly good house, but we’re going to live outside in the back yard?”

“Not outside—inside,” he told his wife. “I’ll just build another house in the back yard.”

“Are we going to feed the flies in that house, too?”

“Of course not—unless God tells me to. And if He does, then I’ll build a third house in the back yard. We’ve got a big back yard, honey.”

“Yes, it’s big, but it’s not big enough for all the flies in the world.”
---
god damn awesome.

i have a job

2010-02-20T14:53:00.004-05:00

It's at ACS (A Xerox Corporation). I take calls and either do tech support or phoned-in orders of stuff, not sure yet as they are vague abt the job (but i know it's not telemarketing, they have reassured me of that suspiciously often).

There have been times where I have written/said literary rapz, and I will put them here for safekeeping. the first five were collaborative with dan bailey, and the last one was collaborative with elliot trinidad. these are them

my poetry sounds out like a siren / it gets me more pussy than lord byron
my ass gets more play than frank o'hara / sometimes it makes my hemmorhoids flare-a
shot your wife like william burroughs / got more cabins than a million thoreaus
i got mad gas like sylvia plath
i got more followers than L ron hubbard / my dick's mad tiny like the indian in the cupboard
bitch you best listen what i got to say / or imma lose my head like hemingway
i got more books than r.l. stine / and unlike that bitch they're actually mine
i fucking love dogs like stephen king / no that's dean koontz not stephen king
i get mad props like norman mailer / your girl blurbed my book so i would nail her
i can get digits from any bitch / i got more numbers than evanovich
you told me she was crazy, 'lo, you weren't lyin / she got more baggage than tim o'brien
you think you're fuckin hard like karl marx / but you're a bigger pussy than nicholas sparks

They are stupid but they make me laff. okay i'll draw another picture for you now:

it is bob dylan after being shot by a man in an alley. i am going to start incorporating a real object into each art i make. i think it will work.

not much else to tell you except i'm going to work on a poem this weekend in response to a poem dan bailey sent me. nighty night

kiefer sutherland is a pirate

2010-02-13T22:40:00.008-05:00

I am technically employed, the technicality being i am assisting 2 professors for ten thousand pennies a month, which is nice but does not pay all of my bills, just 1.25 to 0.5 bills. I hope that
a) the us census people hire me
a-1) really soon and not in like april, because the website just says "We are hiring in the spring"
b) the tutoring people hire me because they pay like whoa
c) the professors i am assisting do not fire me
d) i stop being a lazy bum and start writing again
. The final point will hopefully be addressed when dan bailey sends me a poem about lasers and I write a poem based off its final line, and he does the same with mine, repeated forevermore.

I will now play a game where I guess the temperature outside. I will saaaaaay 18 degrees fahrenheit.
BOOM eighteen degrees! I own

I will now draw a picture for you in photoshop.

It is an affluent man who has found a corpse in the garden in front of his mansion.

I really really want peter davis' new book to be released so i can buy then read it.

Good luck to all reading this in life. happy valentinery. get laid, fall in love, be crushed when your fuck partner isn't interested in a real relationship, drink heavily, move on.