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PROFESSIONAL GAMER

for Sam Pink

Sometimes when I’m out in public I play this game called Suddenly Become Terrified.

First you suck the disease from your gums. Then you see how briefly you can make eye contact with everyone you pass.

You win by only using the screwdriver you clench in your pocket when absolutely necessary.

Game over comes after the screwdriver is planted in an eye socket. There are no credits. There is no new game plus.

I think I’m level 31. I’m not sure what that means.

I know I’m better at some people at this game but I’m afraid that I might be worse than others.

My goal is to break one million points.



Sometimes I LARP as a paranoid schizophrenic.

I’ll imagine that all the strangers standing around me at a crosswalk are going to turn and beat the life out of me.

The cop across the street will look the other way.

I try to come up with both a viable exit strategy as well as a plan to cause the most harm to everyone around me.

I only play this when I forget my screwdriver.



Disembowel yourself on top of a skyscraper, tie your intestines around an antenna, and dive off the roof. That is how you win the suicide competition. Call me Coach.